I’m teaching a class this summer full of freshman college students. This is my first time teaching my own class and the first time this course is offered so I came in expecting the unexpected. One thing about me, I may not always be perfectly prepared, on time, or whateverhaveyou, but I'm going to look good—and that’s on my mama! No really, that’s on my mama.
Growing up my mom would always tell us we better not look slubborn or raggedy because we were representing our family name. From this, I developed a keen desire to look my best in any situation. While this is not a bad trait to have, it did cause me to equate my appearance with my worth. If my hair wasn’t perfectly laid I felt sloppy and I would be preoccupied for the whole day. If my outfit didn’t quite hit, I wanted to hide. If no compliments were thrown my way, then something must be wrong.
While I wholeheartedly believe in the maxim, “if you look good, you feel good,”
I also believe in “if you do good, you feel good.”
I'm learning that even if my outfit is a miss, I can always hit the mark in doing good.
And I have been doing really well.
I’ve had an up and down relationship with teaching throughout my career. Sometimes I feel like teaching isn’t my thing, then other times I enjoy it. However, recently, being in control of my own classroom and teaching a subject I’m passionate about has been such a rewarding experience. While there are tough moments with grading papers, preparing lessons, and dealing with interpersonal conflicts that arise between students and teachers and between students, I leave my days feeling good. I feel like I’m having a positive impact on my students. I feel like I’m doing really good work. I feel knowledgeable and best of all I feel competent in what I’m doing. I feel that I’m equal parts serious and consummate, but also allowing my warm personality and kindness shine. What hasn’t been shining are my outfits (at least to me). Now your girl looks nice and put-together of course, don’t get me wrong, but I’m not the perfectly clad Carmen I usually am. While I haven’t felt entirely confident regarding my attire, my attitude these days has my self-esteem on 10.
Where before I would fuss about my appearance and equate my self-worth with my looks, recently I've been truly allowing my personality, character, and intelligence to shine. I’ve shocked myself with how well I’ve been able to perform and connect with my class and other professors even though I haven’t met my own superficial standard. I feel full, not empty. Not just a pretty vessel that people revere, but a well-rounded individual that people want to know and get close to. Someone who is pretty and polished, but not perfect.
When I would fuss about my appearance, it was almost as if I felt that I couldn’t or shouldn’t perform well because my appearance was sub-par. Essentially, I was worried that if I was less than perfect, would I still be accepted? While I can’t consistently be perfect, I can always do well. I am slowly learning that it is in doing, being the being that is God’s child, is where my worth comes from.
I have started to approach my life with an air of curiosity. What is God trying to teach me in this moment? After two weeks of having the hardest time deciding what to wear in the mornings and never getting it quite right, but feeling so good after each day, I started to ask God what this is all about. I am on a journey of coming home to myself. God has been slowly clearing out distractions in my life so my true self can shine. It is hard work, but the peace I feel when I am operating from my best, true self rather than external validation is worth it. I’m chasing peace, I’m chasing me.
All in all, being cute is just a cherry on top and to be honest, I hate those maraschino cherries.
SoeSoulFull Song Suggestion: "135" by Capital Steez
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